Four Spiritual Tools for Counseling

As Christian counselors, our desire is to stir hope in the hearts of others and lead them into an intimate and healing experience with Christ. To this end, we lean upon our training, experience, and tools. We must also recognize the importance of scripture, partnership with the Holy Spirit, empathy, and prayer in the therapy sessions.

Empathy is “the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another . . .” 1 It’s presumptuous to “fix someone” before gaining some degree of understanding and showing him or her that we are genuinely concerned. We need to take time to listen to their story.

We start by asking questions in an effort to gain knowledge of the hurting person’s needs. “What is your concern?” “Would you like to tell me about it?” People need the freedom to talk about their pain without fear of reproof. They need to be able to say, “I’m hurting,” “I’m angry,” even “I’m angry with God.” Many times we will share some of our own story to make that empathetic connection.

The Apostle Paul prayed that people would come to know Christ experientially not just cognitively. 2 Unfortunately, many people that you and I work with do not know how to make that experiential connection with the Lord. Empathy and prayer combined can be the bridge that helps hurting people experience God’s love and find renewed hope and deep healing.

It is also important to remember the critical role of the Holy Spirit 3 as we counsel and pray with our clients. We have God’s promise that if we listen we will hear His voice. 4 The Holy Spirit, the comforter/counselor 5 will impress His thoughts upon our minds, giving us needed words of wisdom, knowledge, discernment, and insight. 6

The Holy Spirit enables us to pray specifically 7 in accordance with God’s will 8 in order to accomplish this connection between hurting people and Himself. Here are some guidelines that I employ when leading people to that experiential encounter with Christ.

While listening to the person, I am also listening to the Holy Spirit. Regularly He brings a portion of scripture to my memory 9 that I can share with the person that will touch their heart and offer hope—for example, Lamentations 3:16-20 speaks about expressing to God the deep emotional pain associated with grief. I let them know that grieving is a part of the healing process.

Lamentations 3:21-24 points to the hope that lies beyond the pain and helps the person see that God understands and wants to comfort them. 10 In this way, I till the soil of a person’s heart helping them to receive the seed of God’s word, which will be watered by prayer. In effect, I take them gently by the chin, and lift their head so they can see into the eyes of the One who loves them and see the hope that is in Christ. 11

Finally, I pray for the person, that he or she will be able to experience this hope from God. If sin, and the resulting guilt and shame, is involved, I will invite that person to pray a prayer of specific confession so they can receive the forgiveness God wants so much to give and that they so desperately need. 12

The Holy Spirit can give us the ability to speak 13 to issues authoritatively and with compassion that are beyond our natural or learned abilities. He can enable us to make a relational, empathetic connection and empower us to pray the will of the Father. If we are willing to be His instruments, He will extend His hand into the lives of hurting people through us.

1 Merriam-Webster Online

2 Ephesians 3:19 (AMP)

3 John 16:8, 13

4 John 3:29; 10:4, 16, 27

5 John 16:7

6 1 Corinthians 12:7-11, James 1:5

7 Romans 8:26-27

8 1 John 5:14

9 John 14:26

10 Isaiah 66:13, Matthew 5:4, 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

11 Psalm 33:20, 130:5

12 1 John 1:9, Matthew 11:28

13 Luke 12:2; 2 Corinthians 3:6

Is It Well With Your Soul?

One of the many things I love about God is found in Psalm 23:3a, "He restores my soul." In the Amplified Bible, it reads, "He refreshes and restores my life (my self)."

Can you think of specific instances when your soul needed restoring—when you were discouraged or bowed down by the pressures and demands of family and ministry? Remember, an event doesn't have to be catastrophic to pose a serious threat to the health of the soul. More often than not, the real danger lies in the piling up of small irritations and burdens—little things that keep building, one on top of the other, until the accumulated weight produces despair. You continue to perform, but you lack emotional vitality. You go through the motions, meeting the expectations of others, but inside there is a growing numbness—a weakening of the soul, a depletion of your inner self.

When people reach this state of inner exhaustion, they often turn inward and become overly self-focused. Relationships are strained as emotions wear thin. Thought processes become clouded and the moral fabric of internal life begins to unravel. They maintain an outwardly religious persona while the authenticity and joy of their relationship with God slowly deteriorates.

It's at this point that the soul becomes increasingly vulnerable to various temptations. If the need for spiritual refreshment and renewal goes unrecognized, things will only get worse. Given time, this gradual erosion of the human soul can lead to severe consequences. It can cause people to stray further and further from God. It can make them actively pursue sinful desires. It's a slow and progressive process that has brought many a good minister down.

When confronted with the seriousness of this condition, those at this stage usually slip into ego management. They deny that there is any reason for concern: "Why are you attacking me? Everything is fine." If you question the state of their soul, they make light of the situation: "It's not as bad as you think." Often they will try to shift the blame while playing the victim. If you've known someone in this position, you understand how gut wrenching it can be to watch a loved one become caught in this vicious downward spiral. You realize how much it hurts when that person refuses to listen to sound advice and counsel—when he or she complains, "Why don't people just live their own lives and leave me alone?"

Space doesn't permit me to examine in detail the many creative ways in which our loving God patiently pursues the weary and thirsty soul. But suffice it to say that, you are never too "far gone"  to receive His tender care. Your soul can always be restored. Whether you're discouraged, as Elijah was when threatened by Jezebel (1 Kings 19:2-8); whether you're enduring severe temptation, as Jesus did in the wilderness (Matthew 4:1-11); whether you're in the grip of fear, like Peter when he denied Christ (Matthew 26:69-75); or whether you're plagued by doubt, like Thomas, who could not believe Jesus had risen from the dead (John 20:26-28)—whatever your specific challenge or concern, be assured that God will meet you at your point of need.

Even in the extreme cases where ministers, like the prodigal son, walk away from their loving Father, God's grace never ceases to seek the wayward soul (Luke 15:11-24). The Lord pursues His lost sheep like a Good Shepherd (Matthew 18:10-14). He is unfailingly determined to heal the soul of its backsliding and restore it to His favor (Hosea 14:4). Wherever we may be in life's journey, we have His promise that the Holy Spirit will draw us to Himself, refresh us, and comfort our thirsty souls, leaving us with renewed discoveries of His love and the promises of His word (Psalm 19:7; 51:7-12). Our part is simply to respond (Isaiah 55:1).

Leading By Example

As ministers of God’s grace, we have the extraordinary privilege of serving the body of Christ in our respective roles. It’s a complex, multifaceted, and often daunting task.

As I think of our surrender to the call of Christ, a number of descriptive words and phrases come to mind. On any given day our work can be humbling, rewarding, challenging, and exhausting. It can even be emotionally painful. On top of all this, it can be complicated by pressure. And one of the greatest pressures we face as pastors—both internally and externally—is the pressure to succeed.

What is success? In the ministry, success tends to be measured in terms of one of two things, either dynamic preaching and teaching or congregation size. We can all agree that a pastor should be a capable speaker and that numerical growth—at least in some respects—does reflect effectiveness in ministry. But is that the sum total of our contribution as representatives of the Gospel? I don’t think so.

In fact, I’d like to suggest that God judges success according to an entirely different standard, one that takes us to a much higher level. To be specific, I want to make the case that success in ministry should be determined primarily in terms of the Christlike example of those who lead.

The apostle Paul understood this crucial principle of leading by example. Not only was he humble, he also encouraged the Philippians to follow his pattern in this regard (Philippians 3:17). Writing to the Corinthians he said, “Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ” (1 Corinthians 11:1). And in his second letter to Timothy he praised the young church leader for developing his own ministry upon the model of Paul’s teaching, personal conduct, purpose in life, faith in God, patience in trials, love for those he served, and perseverance in persecution (2 Timothy 3:10; also see 2 Corinthians 2:17; 4:1).

Jesus took the same view. Knowing the tendencies of the human heart, He cautioned His disciples not to “lord” their authority over the church but to be examples to the flock (Matthew 20:25-28). Peter, writing to leaders within the church, echoes the same challenge, adding that pastors and overseers ought to serve willingly and not merely out of duty (1 Peter 5:1-4).

Of course, Paul was intimately familiar with the details of the life of Christ. He was probably also aware of Peter’s admonition. That’s why Paul made it a point not to strive for greatness or to compare himself with the so-called “super apostles.” Instead, he sought to be a servant to all by God’s grace and the working of His power (Colossians 1:23-25; Ephesians 3:7).

Paul writes, “Here is a trustworthy saying: If anyone sets his heart on being an overseer, he desires a noble task” (1 Timothy 3:1). And he puts forth an extensive list of qualifications, including details of personal character and the quality of a candidate’s marriage and family life, that “must be evident” for all church leaders (see 1 Timothy 3:2-7; Titus 1:6-9). This is not to say that desire, gifting, and talent are not important. They most certainly are. It’s simply to point out that being an example that others can follow is both paramount and non-negotiable in all areas of ministry.

Those of us here at Focus on the Family deeply appreciate the sacrifices that you have made and are making in your service to the Lord and His church. We are here to serve you and your family. Not only has the Lord blessed us with some valuable real-life experience in this area, but He has also placed within us a sincere desire to listen and help where we can. Literally thousands of ministry families have found us to be a compassionate, trusted resource. We look forward to having an opportunity to come alongside you in the same way.

The Thorn

I stood a mendicant of God before His royal throne

And begged him for one priceless gift, which I could call my own.

I took the gift from out His hand, but as I would depart

I cried, “But Lord this is a thorn and it has pierced my heart.

This is a strange, a hurtful gift, which Thou hast given me.”

He said, “My child, I give good gifts and gave My best to thee.”

I took it home and though at first the cruel thorn hurt sore,

As long years passed I learned at last to love it more and more.

I learned He never gives a thorn without this added grace,

He takes the thorn to pin aside the veil which hides His face.

by Martha Snell Nicholson

Fear and Unexpected Change

Fear and Unexpected Change

Everyone has faced or will face an unexpected circumstance that produces fear. While this may be a normal response, fears that remain unchecked can become emotionally paralyzing. It can strip us of self-confidence, steal away inner peace, complicate relationships, and rob us of God given opportunities and blessings.

The story of Mary and Joseph is a great example.  Mary has just been told that she will become pregnant and give birth to the Son of God. “Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. But the angel said to her, Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favor with God.” (Luke 1:29-30) Joseph, her betrothed, was in utter shock, believing the woman he loved had betrayed him.  “The angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit." (Matthew 1:20)

The Lord, knowing their fearful emotional state, rushes in like a cool breeze on a scorching day to refresh and reassure them. His words enabled them to boldly exchange their fears for His peace. Instead of quietly sending Mary away as a marked woman, Joseph embraced her as his wife. Mary with bold faith threw off her fears and brought forth the promised Messiah, the Lord Jesus Christ.

Let’s take a closer look at the various components of this familiar story to see if there is a parallel for our lives: (1) the situation was unexpected and life changing (2) gripping fear produced confusion and disbelief (3) possible negative consequences could be  loss of reputation, financial hardship, isolation, and rejection (4) divine intervention and reassurance comes resulting in clarity and renewed peace (5) we no longer make fear based decisions that negatively impact us and others (6) with courage we can face the future with renewed hope in God’s promises.

I love the words of Jesus as He speaks to his disciples about the impending change they are about to face.  “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” (John 14:27) His words are still true for us today!