PK’s And The Pressure of Ministry
My wife Linda and I
have been married thirty-seven years and have five children, ages thirty to
thirty-six. Our kids have lived most of their lives as “the preacher’s kids.” I
want to acknowledge the input I’ve received from them in writing this article.
Their statements are duly noted.
I will be honest and
tell you that in the early years of my ministry I made many mistakes that
negatively affected our family. I was full of faith, desire, and enthusiasm,
but I was also young, inexperienced, lacking in wisdom. Thankfully those blunders
became teachable moments in my life that eventually strengthened each one of
us. They, too, have played a significant role in shaping the content of this
piece.
In Luke 12:48 we are reminded that
“to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom
they entrusted much, they will demand the more.” This is true for all of us who
have been called of God to serve in ministry. The same principle surfaces in 1
Timothy 3:1-7 and Titus 1:6-9, where Paul lists a number of “qualifications”
for those who are to serve as leaders in the Body. These “qualifications”
extend beyond the minister to include his wife and children. That’s because a
man’s character is most clearly reflected in his family life. And character does
matter. Not only that, but it ought to be visibly evident (1 Timothy
3:2a). I think we can agree that Paul takes this much for granted.
Problems arise when expectations
are placed on the minister and his family that go beyond the intent
of Scripture. Let’s face it – in many ways, being in ministry is like living in
a glass house. It’s hard to establish and maintain realistic boundaries when
people are constantly looking in on you and your family. In response to this
kind of pressure, some ministerial parents burden their kids with unrealistic
expectations – expectations that can be emotionally and spiritually damaging.
This is something we should work to avoid at all costs. Certainly God wants PKs
to be obedient and respectful and to avoid doing anything that might give them
the reputation of being wild or rebellious (1 Timothy 3:4b; Titus 1:6). But He doesn’t demand that they be perfect.
I’ve worked or counseled with a
number of ministry families who had an “out-of-control” PK. In most of these
cases, I would say that the problem was the result of inconsistent parenting. I
cannot help but think of Eli, “who did not use his authority, or lay his
commands upon his sons, nor restrain them from evil, or severely reprove them
for their sins, but neglected them, and was too mild and gentle with them” (1
Samuel 3:13) Gills Exposition on the Entire Bible.
If our goal is to raise emotionally
and spiritually healthy PKs, we must heed the call given to Abraham,
who was instructed to “command his
children and his household after him to keep the way of the Lord” (Genesis
18:19). At the same time, we have to be careful to avoid parenting out of fear
of what “Sister Sandpaper” may say about our kids.
I’ll admit that, in my case, it
took a while for this lesson to sink in. But when it did, it became firmly
rooted in my heart. At that point my wife and I told our children that if their
lives were good enough for us, they should be good enough for anyone in the
church! I think they appreciated the vote of confidence. From that point forward
we had an understanding, and I believe that understanding made all the
difference in the world.
The results? Well, here are some of
the things my grown-up kids have to say in retrospect about their experience as
PKs:
The positive side of being a PK (excerpts from my
kids):
Ÿ “We were plugged into the deeper side of worship, prayer
and Bible study.”
Ÿ “We had a degree of notoriety due to dad’s stories from
the pulpit about our family.” “We had opportunities to personally meet and
interact with guest speakers.”
Ÿ “Every member of our family was involved in serving to
some degree. Cleaning the church, helping in nursery, later teaching Sunday
School, working in the food pantry, and being part of the worship team. We
learned to be responsible participants in the Body of Christ while discovering
our own gifts and talents.”
Ÿ “I liked talking to ‘Pastor-Dad’ and gained a strong
interest in doctrine and theology that has served me well as an adult.”
Ÿ “We learned in our parents that church leadership could
be respected.” “Most importantly, Dad was the same in the church and in our
home.”
The negitive side of being a PK (excerpts from my
kids):
Ÿ “As PK’s we saw the negative side of ministry. As one friend put it, there is no mean like church mean!”
Ÿ “We felt pressured (not from
our parents) to be what people thought we should be as the pastor’s kids.”
Ÿ “One experience early in my PK-hood: a person told me how my behavior could cost
my dad his new job as pastor. This was way too much pressure to put on a boy
only ten years old. It resulted in a performance-based mentality that took me
years to overcome.”
Ÿ “I was lonely. I think other
kids were afraid to be my friend.”
Ÿ “Dad had a target on his back. People tried to
treat him like they owned him.”
Ÿ “Ministry was very hard financially on our family. Dad had to work part-time or full-time jobs
to provide for our family.”
Advice from one PK to another (excerpts from my kids):
Ÿ “Don’t be afraid to talk to your parents. Find a respectful
way to tell them about your concerns, doubts and fears.”
Ÿ “It is not rebellious to question what you have been
taught.”
Ÿ “Be authentic in your relationship with God. Ask them to
pray with and for you.”
Ÿ “Don’t be afraid to ask them to write you into their
calendar in PEN!”
Ÿ “God has placed your dad in an amazing position, but he
is still human.”
Ÿ “Learn to forgive and remember that heroes don’t have to
be perfect.”
Ÿ “Learn the difference between following Christ and a good
man.”
I think you can see why I’m so
proud of my kids. I’m not afraid to admit that. Nor would I hesitate for a
moment to assert that your children can grow up to be
just as wise, insightful, and spiritually mature as mine. The key is to
remember that your family takes priority over your “ministry.” Your
greatest calling is their care and nurturing –
emotionally, spiritually, and relationally. Your church will survive without
you; your spouse and children may not. So invest in them lavishly. Find ways to
include them in your private and professional life. Determine that you will
lead by personal example. Live an authentic Christian life, where you are the
same person in the home as you are in the pulpit. And bear in mind that one of
the best things you can do for your PKs is to protect your marriage at all
costs. Don’t be afraid to let them see affectionate and romantic exchanges
between you and your spouse. Remember – your kids learn more from what they see
you do than from what they hear you say.
George Stahnke has been
in ministry for over thirty years, serving fourteen of those years as a senior
pastor. George works in the Counseling department at Focus on the Family. As a
Chaplain, he takes an average of 325 phone calls per month providing counseling
to individuals, families, ministry families, and other ministry leaders. He is
the founder and director of Renewal Ministries of Colorado Springs, which
includes private counseling and is an ordained minister with the Assemblies of
God. George and his wife Linda have been married for 37 years have five
children and sixteen grandchildren.
