Thursday, October 16, 2014

PK’s and the Pressure of Ministry

PK’s And The Pressure of Ministry

       

My wife Linda and I have been married thirty-seven years and have five children, ages thirty to thirty-six. Our kids have lived most of their lives as “the preacher’s kids.” I want to acknowledge the input I’ve received from them in writing this article. Their statements are duly noted.

I will be honest and tell you that in the early years of my ministry I made many mistakes that negatively affected our family. I was full of faith, desire, and enthusiasm, but I was also young, inexperienced, lacking in wisdom. Thankfully those blunders became teachable moments in my life that eventually strengthened each one of us. They, too, have played a significant role in shaping the content of this piece.

In Luke 12:48 we are reminded that “to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more.” This is true for all of us who have been called of God to serve in ministry. The same principle surfaces in 1 Timothy 3:1-7 and Titus 1:6-9, where Paul lists a number of “qualifications” for those who are to serve as leaders in the Body. These “qualifications” extend beyond the minister to include his wife and children. That’s because a man’s character is most clearly reflected in his family life. And character does matter. Not only that, but it ought to be visibly evident (1 Timothy 3:2a). I think we can agree that Paul takes this much for granted.

Problems arise when expectations are placed on the minister and his family that go beyond the intent of Scripture. Let’s face it – in many ways, being in ministry is like living in a glass house. It’s hard to establish and maintain realistic boundaries when people are constantly looking in on you and your family. In response to this kind of pressure, some ministerial parents burden their kids with unrealistic expectations – expectations that can be emotionally and spiritually damaging. This is something we should work to avoid at all costs. Certainly God wants PKs to be obedient and respectful and to avoid doing anything that might give them the reputation of being wild or rebellious (1 Timothy 3:4b; Titus 1:6).  But He doesn’t demand that they be perfect.

I’ve worked or counseled with a number of ministry families who had an “out-of-control” PK. In most of these cases, I would say that the problem was the result of inconsistent parenting. I cannot help but think of Eli, “who did not use his authority, or lay his commands upon his sons, nor restrain them from evil, or severely reprove them for their sins, but neglected them, and was too mild and gentle with them” (1 Samuel 3:13) Gills Exposition on the Entire Bible.

If our goal is to raise emotionally and spiritually healthy PKs, we must heed the call given to Abraham,

who was instructed to “command his children and his household after him to keep the way of the Lord” (Genesis 18:19). At the same time, we have to be careful to avoid parenting out of fear of what “Sister Sandpaper” may say about our kids.

I’ll admit that, in my case, it took a while for this lesson to sink in. But when it did, it became firmly rooted in my heart. At that point my wife and I told our children that if their lives were good enough for us, they should be good enough for anyone in the church! I think they appreciated the vote of confidence. From that point forward we had an understanding, and I believe that understanding made all the difference in the world.

The results? Well, here are some of the things my grown-up kids have to say in retrospect about their experience as PKs:

The positive side of being a PK (excerpts from my kids):

Ÿ “We were plugged into the deeper side of worship, prayer and Bible study.”

Ÿ “We had a degree of notoriety due to dad’s stories from the pulpit about our family.” “We had opportunities to personally meet and interact with guest speakers.”

Ÿ “Every member of our family was involved in serving to some degree. Cleaning the church, helping in nursery, later teaching Sunday School, working in the food pantry, and being part of the worship team. We learned to be responsible participants in the Body of Christ while discovering our own gifts and talents.”

Ÿ “I liked talking to ‘Pastor-Dad’ and gained a strong interest in doctrine and theology that has served me well as an adult.”

Ÿ “We learned in our parents that church leadership could be respected.” “Most importantly, Dad was the same in the church and in our home.”

The negitive side of being a PK (excerpts from my kids):

Ÿ “As PK’s we saw the negative side of ministry. As one friend put it, there is no mean like church mean!”

Ÿ “We felt pressured (not from our parents) to be what people thought we should be as the pastor’s kids.”
Ÿ “One experience early in my PK-hood:  a person told me how my behavior could cost my dad his new job as pastor. This was way too much pressure to put on a boy only ten years old. It resulted in a performance-based mentality that took me years to overcome.”

Ÿ “I was lonely. I think other kids were afraid to be my friend.”
Ÿ “Dad had a target on his back. People tried to treat him like they owned him.”
Ÿ “Ministry was very hard financially on our family.  Dad had to work part-time or full-time jobs to provide for our family.”

Advice from one PK to another (excerpts from my kids):

Ÿ “Don’t be afraid to talk to your parents. Find a respectful way to tell them about your concerns, doubts and fears.”

Ÿ “It is not rebellious to question what you have been taught.”

Ÿ “Be authentic in your relationship with God. Ask them to pray with and for you.”

Ÿ “Don’t be afraid to ask them to write you into their calendar in PEN!”

Ÿ “God has placed your dad in an amazing position, but he is still human.”

Ÿ “Learn to forgive and remember that heroes don’t have to be perfect.”

Ÿ “Learn the difference between following Christ and a good man.”

I think you can see why I’m so proud of my kids. I’m not afraid to admit that. Nor would I hesitate for a moment to assert that your children can grow up to be just as wise, insightful, and spiritually mature as mine. The key is to remember that your family takes priority over your “ministry.” Your greatest calling is their care and nurturing – emotionally, spiritually, and relationally. Your church will survive without you; your spouse and children may not. So invest in them lavishly. Find ways to include them in your private and professional life. Determine that you will lead by personal example. Live an authentic Christian life, where you are the same person in the home as you are in the pulpit. And bear in mind that one of the best things you can do for your PKs is to protect your marriage at all costs. Don’t be afraid to let them see affectionate and romantic exchanges between you and your spouse. Remember – your kids learn more from what they see you do than from what they hear you say.



George Stahnke has been in ministry for over thirty years, serving fourteen of those years as a senior pastor. George works in the Counseling department at Focus on the Family. As a Chaplain, he takes an average of 325 phone calls per month providing counseling to individuals, families, ministry families, and other ministry leaders. He is the founder and director of Renewal Ministries of Colorado Springs, which includes private counseling and is an ordained minister with the Assemblies of God. George and his wife Linda have been married for 37 years have five children and sixteen grandchildren.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

For The Love of Self

For The Love of Self

Within each of us, there is a struggle for supremacy. To paraphrase George Lucas, Will we yield to the power of “the force” or to the “dark side?”[1] The cure for the dark side of self-centered tendencies is found our relationship with God. Jesus declared, "You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.”[2]  Love of God and love of self are tied together. Our ability to love self is determined by our capacity to understand and accept God’s love for us. [3]

This is important because the love of self is a benchmark that defines healthy relationships with others, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”[4] As we continue to yield to God, our love of self becomes healthy, enabling us to adjust and meet the needs of others.[5]  With a healthy love of self we endeavor to live by the golden rule, treating others as we would like to be treated.[6] With determination we honor others, resist being critical, pursue harmony, accepting others, patiently make allowances for other’s faults, etc. [7]

Imagine a marriage where husbands obey God’s instruction to love their wives as they love themselves. Envision the joy of a woman who knows she is tenderly cared for, protected, and cherished![8] I can hear the accolades now, “Thank God for a husband who loves me as himself!”

Conquering narcissistic tendencies is not an easy task. Perhaps the apostle Paul said it best, “It happens so regularly that it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up.”[9] In this struggle for supremacy, we must believe that we have access to the “true force”, God’s divine nature and trust that we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us.[10]  This marvelous transformation is a lifelong process admittedly with its ups and downs. To those of you who may have grown weary or discouraged, do not loose heart. You will reap a good harvest if you do not give up.[11]



[1] 1977 film, Star Wars
[2] Matthew 22:37
[3] Ephesians 3:16-21
[4] Matthew 22:39b (Comp. Lev19:18, Rom 13:9, Gal 5:14, James 2:8)
[5] Romans 12:16 AMP
[6] Matthew 7:12
[7] Romans 12:10b; 14:13,19; 15:7; Ephesians 4:2 AMP
[8] Ephesians 5:28, 33
[9] Romans 7:21 The Message
[10] Philippians 4:13; 2 Peter 1: 1-10
[11] Galatians 6:9

Monday, October 13, 2014

Obedience vs. Sacrifice

Obedience vs. Sacrifice

Proverbs 21:3 (NASB) To do righteousness and justice Is desired by the LORD more than sacrifice.

I can see the emotional battle raging in Abraham as he hears the Word of the Lord in Genesis 22. “"Take now your son, your only son, whom you love, Isaac, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I will tell you."

To me Abraham exemplifies God’s admonition to do righteousness and justice, to walk in obedience and the fear of the Lord. He is a man with an intimate relationship with God that impacts every area of his life to include those he loves most! What courage, what faith that Abraham would offer the sacrifice that God had required.

As you continue to read the following scriptures you will see this recurring theme, obedience is better than sacrifice.

1 Samuel 15:22 (NKJV)  So Samuel said: Has the Lord as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, As in obeying the voice of the Lord? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, And to heed than the fat of rams.

Isaiah 1:11-17 (NLT) 11 “What makes you think I want all your sacrifices?” says the LORD. “I am sick of your burnt offerings of rams and the fat of fattened cattle. I get no pleasure from the blood of bulls and lambs and goats.12 When you come to worship me, who asked you to parade through my courts with all your ceremony?13 Stop bringing me your meaningless gifts; the incense of your  offerings disgusts me! As for your celebrations of the new moon and the Sabbath and your special days for fasting—they are all sinful and false. I want no more of your pious meetings.14 I hate your new moon celebrations and your annual festivals. They are a burden to me. I cannot stand them! 15 When you lift up your hands in prayer, I will not look. Though you offer many prayers, I will not listen, for your hands are covered with the blood of innocent victims.16 Wash yourselves and be clean! Get your sins out of my sight. Give up your evil ways.17 Learn to do good. Seek justice. Help the oppressed. Defend the cause of orphans. Fight for the rights of widows.18 “Come now, let’s settle this,” says the LORD. “Though your sins are like scarlet, I will make them as white as snow. Though they are red like crimson, I will make them as white as wool.

Hosea 6:6 (AMP) For I desire and delight in dutiful steadfast love and goodness, not sacrifice, and the knowledge of and acquaintance with God more than burnt offerings.

Micah 6:8 (NKJV) 8 He has shown you, O man, what is good; And what does the Lord require of you But to do justly, To love mercy, And to walk humbly with your God?
There are many Christians in sacrificial service in churches across America, teaching Sunday school, serving as board members and others in higher levels of church leadership. These “servants” sacrifice their time, finances, at times relationships and even their health. But are they walking in obedience? Are they living righteous lives and pursuing justice as lovers of mercy, serving God with integrity and humility? Are you?

In conclusion we read the words of Jesus as he weighs in on this topic, "If you love Me, you will keep My commandments.” John 14:13 (NASB)


With deepest sincerity I echo the prayer of the Palmist, “Search me [thoroughly], O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!  And see if there is any wicked or hurtful way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” Psalm 139:23-24